Recently, I noticed on Facebook that my "social profile" indicates that my friends think that I am brave. I actually laughed out loud when I read this. Me... brave? HA! Shows how much people know about me and who I really am.
When I was a senior in high school, two of my good friends and I were talking about partying and the typical high school social scene. I embarrassingly (and somewhat proudly) admitted that i'd only been to one "party" in my life and it actually was a graduation party that provided alcohol. My friends laughed out loud at what I had just said. They gave me a sure-fire "yeah right" look until they realized that I was dead serious. I said "what, you think I party or something?" They replied "well, we heard you were a big party girl at one time." My jaw DROPPED. I had that kind of reputation? A party girl.... ME?!
I was petrified of parties and any sort of social gathering that didn't involve a round of Catch Phrase. The only "party" I went to was a cast party where it was all theater geeks that were just like me. haha. I'm the girl that has never vandalized anything, stolen anything, smoked anything, passed out or thrown up from drinking, and never ever snuck out of my house. My God! What would my mother think of me if I had!?!
I really really liked who I was in high school and who I am now. Not much as changed except for the fact that I think i'm even more freaked out by parties. I've somehow become more socially awkward. I think that is because i'm not in college and i'm away from large groups of people my own age.
Last weekend, a friend of mine wanted me to go to a bar with him at 11 at night. While going out and doing something sounded fun... I would have had to face a few fears/worries of mine. I would have had to go out after 11 pm which is just weird to me. I'm normally in my PJs watching Freaks and Geeks at that time of night. I would have had to go to a bar. I've only been to a bar once in my life and that recently... but before I turned 21. I sat there awkwardly sipping on water. I just have a fear of bars and the type of people that frequent them. I don't like being around drunk strangers so I don't think the bar scene is for me. On top of that, I would be going somewhere without my security net... Matt. If at anytime i'm ever anywhere that I don't want to be (normally a social situation) or around people that make me nervous, he just swoops in and makes me feel like i've got someone that understands me. Definitely a comfort thing.
My hope is that i'll break out of this FEAR fairly soon. It won't happen quickly and it won't happen easily. I know that my good friends want nothing but the best for me and wouldn't ever let anything happen to me and I think I just need to trust that. So, if you ever see me out in public doing something "daring," please applaud me. It takes great effort.